Some people just need to know that there is someone there for them to listen and to offer them a shoulder to cry when they are in crisis. It is always nice to know for us humans that we are loved and needed. Usually, when someone is depressed that feel exactly the opposite. They very often feel that they are a burden to everyone and that everyone might be better off without them.
Your family or friends might not be ready to share their feelings with you. They might have a battle in their heads closing them down from sharing. When I ask my client why don’t you share this with your close people, I often hear:
- I don’t want to be a burden, people have lots of problems without me adding mine.
- They might not understand how I feel.
- They might judge me.
- I have to be strong for my wife/child/husband etc
- They might think that I have mental health problems, therefore I am not strong enough/not good enough for them.
- They might not be patient enough.
- I might spoil their mood with my pessimistic approach and my problems
Hopefully, there will be a moment when they are ready, so you can be the best spouse/parent/friend for them and that they can count on you
LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM.
You can just say: ‘’You seem not looking like yourself/ you seem to look flat/sad. Would you like to sit down and talk about it?’’
Surely you cannot force your close people to talk but it would be extremely helpful for them to know that you are there when they are ready to share.
LISTEN!
Give them plenty of space to talk about how it feels for them. You do not need to switch talking about your experience as it is not going to help them at that point.
Do NOT interrupt
Do NOT take the attention from their story to yours.
Do NOT give them your examples of how YOU personally survived it or how it was for you or for your other friend (or whoever!). This time is about them and only them.
GIVE THEM PLENTY OF SPACE AND TIME
Do not rush to respond. You can just repeat their words back to them, paraphrase their words. In this way, you will give them a sense that they have been heard.
Don’t be afraid of silence or pauses. They might be thinking of something and you might break the trail of their thoughts if you respond. Practice pauses and silence. It’s not easy but can be very powerful when you can hold one.
EXPLORE HOW THEY’RE FEELING and ASK THEM OPEN QUESTIONS
These begin with HOW and WHAT.
Do not ask them CLOSED questions such as ‘’Are you ok?’’. Most likely they would not want to trouble you and would respond that they are fine. That would be unproductive and unhelpful and would just close down the whole conversation.
Ask questions like “How does that feel for you?” ‘’ What other emotions do you feel?’’ ‘’ What does help you in the difficult time like that?’’ , ‘’How long do you feel like that for? ‘’How can I support you in your difficult time? ‘’Please let me know What can I do for you?’’
GIVE THEM AN EMPATHIC UNDERSTANDING.
You can say: “I am sorry you are going through this.”
‘’It sounds like it is tough times for you. How are you managing?’’
‘’I can not imagine how it might even feel to experience that!’’
‘’It feels like you are going through a horrendous experience. I feel for you.’’
EMPATHY is an acknowledgment of your understanding of their situation.
But it does not mean that you need to take their pain on your shoulders.
So, MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF while helping others.
If you are not professionally trained therapist there is a risk that you may take their pain because you want to help them so much. Please be careful! It is not going to help anyone if you do. Protect yourself. You can only give them a space, offer your listening ear and show them that you care.
That is all you can do.
In some cases, it might be useful to offer some practical help with cleaning or cooking or looking after their children/pets if they need time on their own.
ALLOW THEM TO CRY IF THEY FEEL LIKE IT.
Tears are a gift for us humans. It helps to free our negative emotions or feelings after we have a good cry. It helps even if it is temporarily help. Your first response might be to say ‘’ Please don’t cry, but I believe that it a last thing you should do in this situation’’. We, humans very often can’t stand the tears of our kids or loved ones.
Because it makes us feel uncomfortable!!!
Forget about your uncomfortable emotions around tears of others. Let them have a good cry. It would feel so very therapeutic for them and they would be truly grateful to you
DO NOT DENY what they are telling you, and don’t pretend you know how they feel or try to convince them that at least they have this or that and that in comparison of other people they should just feel lucky! It is not going to help. In fact, it minimises their experience and their feelings.
DO NOT JUDGE OR CRITICISE.
For example, they may be drinking too much alcohol. But pointing this out will not be particularly helpful to them as usually it is a coping strategy to numb the emotional pain or loneliness they might be experiencing. Deep inside they know that it is not healthy and in fact very destroying for their body and organs, but sometimes the emotional pain can be stronger than a knowledge that they might destroy their organs and that the alcohol is a slow poison. At that point it helps them to numb their pain, their sufferings even temporarily.
AVOID GIVING A DIRECT ADVICE.
If they could take and use it they wouldn’t be in this situation in a first place. Giving some advice- means in a way fixing them or showing them that you know better. But really you don’t! You cannot know how it feels for them. You cannot know how it feels to be in their skin. You can only imagine, but from your perspective. But if you found the book or video, film or therapist which helped you personally you can give the gentle suggestion that it might give them necessary resources that might help to take first steps out of depression.
You can reassure them that these feelings will not last forever and that they can find support or professional help of the therapist. Not matter what show them that they can count on you and they hopefully would be grateful to you and appreciate your support or practical help.
It was very interesting to hear the opinion of my 17 year old son to how he would help his depressed friend or if he would feel that they are very sad.
His answer was he would ask them a question.
What can I do to make you feel better?
Or
What do you think you can do to help yourself?
‘’If I could take them out to have some fun mum!’’
I guess it is a massive subject of how we can really help someone in distress or at least how can we support them. It would be different from the situation, the relationship you have with this person, if they are just sad or you feel there is a immediate risk of them harming themselves. Use your heart, brain and intuition to act depending on how it really is.
At the end of the conversation if you feel its appropriate to offer them a hug, please do!
We all need it from time to time.