Do you feel you have to be defensive at times?
As though you feel that being defensive is going to validate you and protect you somehow?
Or you must bring your point up, so there is a need to be defensive?
Defensive behavior is a response to a threat or danger.
When we feel in potential danger, our defense mechanisms come to our aid, even if the threat is something we are actually imagining!
We are all going to experience the defenses in different ways. Some may feel completely out of control, such as anger for example!
https://www.junabrookes.co.uk/therapy-for-anger/
When others are really easy to use and quite comfortable as well. An example of that would be humor! Everybody can use humor, but not a lot of people know that humor is one of defense mechanisms. Some people use humor a lot because they feel uncomfortable at that point.
In order to understand why we feel the need to be defensive, it’s important to explore the different reasons why people get defensive.
Moreover, you should also be aware of the different ways to deal with defensive situations more effectively. By understanding defensive behavior in detail, you’ll be better equipped to manage any defensive reactions that may arise in your life.
What is Defensive Behavior?
We all know the feeling – the one where our defensive behavior kicks in without us even realizing it. Defensive behavior can take many different forms, but they all have one thing in common – they are all intended to protect us from perceived threats. For example, we might avoid someone, withdraw from them, or even become aggressive. Defensive behavior can be automatic or happen on a moment-to-moment basis, but the goal is always the same – to feel safe and secure. Sometimes defensive behavior is a sign that we’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, and it’s important to identify and deal with the underlying cause. By understanding defensive behavior, we can better manage our emotions and stay safe in the long run. (1)
Why do people get defensive?
There’s something about defensive mechanisms that make us feel better, even if it is only for a while!
There are so many defenses that in this article I will point out the 10 most used.
Are you ready? Let’s go then!
DENIAL, this is when we simply refuse to accept that something happened. It’s very common in people with addiction problems when they refuse to admit that something is seriously wrong. Their life can be hard to manage but they can not accept that or admit it to themselves or others.
This can also happen in an abusive relationship when the person can’t admit that the abuse is happening. Because if they would, it would make it real! How will they deal with that then?
DISPLACEMENT, this is when we redirect our anger or upset to someone else. For example, if I would get into a fight with my boss ( I don’t really have one, thank God! ) instead of talking to them about it, I lush out all my frustration into my husband ( well… it happened before)
Not very nice, right??
REPRESSION,- this is when we have taken any bad feelings or memories and we push them away into our subconscious minds, as though we genuinely don’t remember what happened, or even how we felt about it. This can happen because of unprocessed trauma!
https://www.junabrookes.co.uk/ptsd-treatment/
This type of defense is very dangerous for our psyche because we don’t process the trauma this is when we start having flashbacks, nightmares, and PTSD later on.
PROJECTION refers to unconsciously taking unwanted emotions or traits you don’t like about yourself and placing them on someone else. An example is a cheating wife who suspects their partner is being unfaithful.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/projection
OVERCOMPENSATION, it is when we overcompensate in one part of our lives to make up for another area where we feel we lack. Instead of being ok with not being good with everything, we will try so hard to be good as though its even possible.
RATIONALIZATION – this is when we are confronted with something difficult and instead of dealing with it we focus all our thoughts and energy on the details of it or how we can fix it.
REGRESSION is when we regress back to a child-like way of coping. People who are emotionally immature usually use this type of defense. Instead of communicating how you feel, you call them names, storm off or throw a tantrum, just like a child would.
DISSOCIATION is when something is too much for us to deal with and we must disconnect from ourselves almost like watching ourselves from a distance, having an out-of-body sensation.
This type can be used if a child experienced abuse or trauma and it was so bad for the child to remember so instead, they would dissociate at that point.
I personally dissociated when I had my first experience of giving birth because the pain was too strong, I felt like I am watching myself from the side at that point. Thankfully it was just for a moment.
PASSIVE AGGRESSION, this happens when we don’t have the tools or knowledge to express how we feel, so instead, we passively show our upsets.
For example, instead of telling our friend that we were hurt by what she said or did and talking it out we just show up late at the dinner, avoid or ignore them completely. Also, we can make a comment which is potentially hurtful to them. Sounds very unhealthy, isn’t it?
REACTION FORMATION, behaving in a way opposite to how you feel. Do you remember at school when you fancied that girl, you would pinch her instead? Well, this is one of the ways to use this defense.
Types of Defensiveness
The three main types of defensiveness are cognitive, emotional, and behavioral. Cognitive defensiveness involves using rational thought processes to try and counteract negative emotions. This might involve trying to understand why we feel the need to be defensive in the first place. Emotional defensiveness involves blocking out or suppressing painful emotions in order to maintain composure. This might involve numbing or distancing ourselves from the situation. Behavioral defensiveness involves changing our actions or behavior in order to avoid conflict or embarrassment. This might involve avoiding eye contact, speaking softly, or staying silent. (3)
Impact of Defensiveness
Defensiveness can have a number of negative impacts on our mental and physical health. For example, defensive behavior can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame. It can also trigger the fight or flight response (which increases levels of cortisol), increase stress levels in the long term, and decrease our ability to trust others.
What Happens In The Brain When A Person Reacts Defensively
When we’re defensive, our brain is working hard to protect us from potential threats. This process involves activating our amygdala – the part of the brain that’s responsible for fear and anxiety behavior. In addition, defensive thoughts tend to be more self-focused than non-defensive thoughts. This means that we focus on what we’re doing instead of considering the other person’s perspective. (4)
How to Be Less Defensive
Here are some ways to decrease your defensive behavior:
Become Aware of Your Defensiveness
The first step is to become aware of your defensive behavior. This means that you need to be introspective and start thinking about the ways in which you react defensively.
Validate Your Feelings
It is understandable to feel defensive in any given situation. However, you can better understand and work on overcoming your feelings by validating them. Start by looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective. This will help you to see their point of view and hopefully reach a resolution that everyone can be happy with. Remember that everyone has emotions – some just take longer to express than others!
Avoid Acting on Your Feelings
It can be difficult to resist the urge to act on our defensive impulses when we feel threatened or unsafe. Unfortunately, this often leads us to make bad decisions that can have long-term consequences. To stay calm in difficult situations and make effective decisions, it is important to be aware of our feelings and use mindfulness techniques. This will help us regulate our emotions and think more rationally instead of impulsively reacting to the situation.
Choose to Align Yourself with Your Values
No matter how difficult it might be at first, choosing to align yourself with your values is the best way to overcome defensive mechanisms. This isn’t easy – in fact, it can be quite challenging. But if you persevere and stay focused on what’s important to you, eventually, your defensive mechanisms will fade away, and you’ll be able to live more effectively by following your own principles rather than blindly reacting out of fear or defensiveness. A few things are essential for this process: First, having strong convictions is key – without them, it would be very hard to resist the pull of our defensive mechanism(s). Secondly, staying calm under pressure is also crucial, as overreacting could make matters worse. And finally (and most importantly), learning how to recognize when we’re being defended against and take steps towards correcting the situation fast becomes critical for success!
Anticipate When You Are Likely to Become Defensive
Almost everyone is defensive at some point or another. However, if we can learn to anticipate when we are likely to become defensive and manage the situation better, it will result in a more harmonious and collaborative society. When we anticipate that there might be a confrontation looming – either with others or within ourselves – our natural response is to brace for battle. This usually happens unconsciously and without any prior warning; suddenly, everything feels like it’s on the line. As this tension builds up, communication becomes harder as each party tries to hold onto its own position. Therefore, it is important to be aware of our own tendencies towards defensiveness so that we can try and avoid becoming embroiled in conflictual situations altogether. At the same time, trying not to make assumptions about people’s intentions or beliefs can also prove helpful in reducing tensions overall. Ultimately though, learning how not to get defensive starts with understanding ourselves! (6)
See a Therapist
Talking to a therapist can be a really helpful experience. Not only will it help us cope with our feelings in an effective way, but it can also help us understand why we do the things that we do. We all go through different phases and often find ourselves defensive – this is just one of the ways that we try to protect ourselves. We may think that talking about our feelings will make them stronger or more painful, but in reality, it usually leads to understanding and insight. So, by all means – talk! It might not always be easy, but at least you’ll know that you’re doing your best for yourself.
Conclusion
One of the most harmful things that can happen during conflict is when we get defensive. This reflexive behavior often leads to misunderstandings and tension, which ultimately damages our relationships. However, by being aware of our own tendencies we can start to manage these situations better, leading to a more harmonious and collaborative society. See a Therapist to help you work through your feelings and understand why you do the things that you do.