Have you ever had a talk with someone that suddenly turned into a fight? Maybe you were calm, but the other person got angry, or maybe you got upset without knowing why. Whether you’re talking to your child, your boss, your customer, or your partner—communication can sometimes go wrong.
The good news is, there’s a simple way to understand what’s happening. It’s called Transactional Analysis (TA). This idea says we all have three ego states inside us: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states are just ways we act, think, and feel in different situations.
Let’s break them down.
What Are Ego States?
1. Parent Ego State
This part of us acts like the people who raised us. It’s what we learned from parents, teachers, or other adults when we were growing up.
- Nurturing Parent: This one is loving and kind. For example, saying, “It’s okay. You’ll do better next time.”
- Controlling Parent: This one is strict or bossy. It says things like, “You never do anything right!”
The controlling parent voice can lead to anxiety, depression, and even anger if it’s too harsh.
2. Child Ego State
This is how we felt and behaved when we were kids.
- Free Child: Fun, playful, happy. Like when you laugh at silly jokes or dance in the kitchen.
- Adapted Child: This child follows rules or avoids trouble. But sometimes it pouts, cries, or feels scared.
If someone has PTSD or past trauma, their Child state may react strongly to small things—like a loud voice or a harsh word.
3. Adult Ego State
This part is calm, smart, and handles things in the moment. It looks at facts, not feelings. For example, if your friend is yelling, your Adult state might say, “Let’s calm down and talk.”
The Adult state helps us stay peaceful instead of getting lost in anger, fear, or sadness.
We Change Ego States All Day
Let’s say you’re driving to work.
- You drive carefully — you’re in your Adult state.
- Someone cuts you off — you yell, “Learn to drive!” — now you’re in your Controlling Parent.
- Then you realize you’re late and feel worried — that’s your Adapted Child.
This happens to all of us! The key is to notice which state you’re in and switch when needed.
How Communication Works
Talking to people is like playing catch. One person throws the ball (talks), and the other catches and throws it back (replies). That’s called a transaction.
Complementary Transactions (These Go Well)
These happen when both people are using matching ego states.
- You: “Can I help you?” (Adult)
- Them: “Yes, please.” (Adult)
Smooth and simple!
Or your child says, “I’m scared,” (Child), and you say, “I’m here. It’s okay.” (Parent). That’s good communication.
Crossed Transactions (These Cause Problems)
These happen when the other person answers from the wrong ego state.
Example:
- You: “Can we talk?” (Adult)
- Them: “Why are you always blaming me?” (Child)
Uh-oh. Now there’s a fight. This kind of reaction can bring anger, anxiety, or even sadness in relationships.
Real-Life Examples
1. Talking to Your Child
Your child drops a glass of water. You feel like shouting, “Why can’t you be careful?!” (Parent). But if you take a deep breath and say, “It’s okay, let’s clean it up,” (Nurturing Parent), your child feels safe—not scared.
2. Talking to a Customer
A customer says, “This product is terrible!” You might feel upset (Child), but your Adult state says, “Let’s fix the problem.” You answer kindly, and the customer calms down.
3. Talking to Your Spouse
Your partner forgets your birthday. You want to cry (Child) or yell (Parent). But your Adult state says, “Let’s talk about how we celebrate things.” This keeps the relationship healthy.
4. Talking to Your Boss
Your boss says, “You didn’t do this right.” You feel small or anxious (Child). But your Adult can say, “Thanks for the feedback—can we talk about how to improve?”
If you have past trauma or PTSD, it can make moments like this feel extra heavy. That’s okay. You can still learn to respond calmly with practice.
What If People Say One Thing But Mean Another?
Sometimes people hide their real feelings. Like your coworker saying, “Wow, bold choice of shirt today,” with a smirk. The words sound okay, but the tone feels mean.
This is called an ulterior transaction—a secret message underneath the real words. It’s smart to listen not just to words, but also to voice, face, and body language.
Your Adult state helps you stay cool and not take the bait.
What If You Always Feel Triggered? Try EMDR
Some people find themselves reacting strongly to small things—getting very sad, scared, or angry. This can happen because of painful past memories, trauma, or PTSD.
There’s a helpful therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It helps your brain “re-process” bad memories so they don’t hurt so much.
EMDR can help reduce depression, anxiety, and anger by teaching your brain that the danger is over—and you’re safe now.
Many people feel calmer and more in control after doing EMDR with a trained therapist.
Final Thoughts
Every day, we talk to all kinds of people—our kids, our partners, our coworkers, and strangers. The way we talk can build peace… or start problems.
Remember:
- You have a Parent, Adult, and Child ego state.
- Try to stay in your Adult state when things get tense.
- Notice which ego state the other person is in.
- Speak kindly, listen fully, and breathe before you react.
If you often feel stuck in anger, anxiety, or depression, it’s okay to ask for help. You’re not alone. Therapy, including EMDR, can really help.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to understand yourself a little more—and talk with kindness and care. That’s how better relationships begin.