This article was written by someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). It describes what its like to live life with this disorder.
As someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), my best way of describing it is like living with an unpredictable and unstable roommate. She isn’t always there but when she is you have no idea what mood you’re going to catch her in. She’s the fun loving and easy-going type who also lives for the drama you’d see in a reality show… and worst of all, she takes everything to heart. Having been diagnosed several years ago, I have come to realise throughout those years that with its negatives, comes positives, and with good understanding and plans in place I believe that this disorder is completely manageable and treatable. I will briefly touch upon a few of the many complicated symptoms of BPD as well as some snippets of my own personal experience with this disorder.
One of the more positive spins on BPD is the impulsiveness and ever-changing ideas which usually manifest as career changes and a wide range of hobbies and interests which give those with BPD a wealth of experience, knowledge and insight. I actively regard this as a BPD superpower. For example, because of my BPD and this particular symptom, I am able to play the piano, guitar and violin. I am qualified in or have extensive knowledge in equestrian, fashion design, and even psychology and counselling. I know that without my BPD I wouldn’t be riding a horse one day and knitting a scarf the next. BPD has given me a gateway into my own creativity and intellect, it has allowed me to experience amazing things and has given me so many opportunities in so many different fields, not to mention some of the incredibly brilliant people I have met along the way by engaging in these activities and courses.
Sometimes though, this impulsivity and compulsiveness can become dangerous or have a negative impact on those around you so it is important to recognise when the impulsivities are becoming out of control. For example, one of my regular impulses is to jump out of a window no matter how high it is or what damage it could cause. The best way I have found to prevent this from occurring is to keep the windows locked when I am home alone. A less extreme example of my own is my compulsion to tidy, clean and throw things away. I regularly find myself rummaging through my outdoor bins trying to retrieve clothes, jewellery, books and sentimental objects that I had thrown away the previous day due to my impulsive tidying sprees. Although not as extreme as jumping out of windows, it has such a negative impact on myself and the people around me as I’m often throwing away personal items of value or sentimental value and sometimes things which are not my own to throw away. I have found that what helps is to continue my tidy sprees but instead of throwing these things in the bin, I pile them neatly in a cupboard so that when I am not in this mood, I am able to easily access these things.
Impulsive and sometimes intrusive thoughts are a common symptom of BPD and can be expressed in many ways, it is from my own experience that I find looking for and creating ways to manage, deflect and distract from these thoughts is so important and individual to you.
Another common trait of someone suffering with this disorder is the inability to create and maintain healthy relationships, especially in regards to romantic relationships. These intense and unstable relationships are common for people with BPD and can cause problems for everyone involved, however, as you will see, I also believe that these relationships can be strong and interesting. Relationships don’t have to be bad or daunting and I would never want anyone to feel put off or worried about being in a relationship with someone with BPD. Often those with BPD are impulsive and create much more excitement within relationships, they are also passionate and love deeply. With good communication, understanding and plans in place, there is no reason why someone with BPD can’t have a completely healthy relationship.
In the beginning of most relationships the person with BPD will hold extremely high regard and idealisation for their partner, often putting them on a pedestal which turns in to high expectations and impossible levels of satisfaction that must be met in order for them to feel that everything is going well. After a period of time, they realise that these levels of perfection aren’t being reached and that their previously perfect partner is now flawed. Because of this, a turmoil of unpredictable patterns of behaviour and emotions occur which often leads to the devaluation of their partner in the form of heightened and magnified anger and disappointment. Devaluation is a coping mechanism in which the BPD sufferer will use in order to detach and minimise anxiety. This cycle of idealisation and devaluation can be devastating to relationships and often leads to strain, arguments, multiple breakups and negative feelings.
In my personal experience with relationships, I find that I feel such an intense love and admiration for my partner that I become consumed by them. They become my entire world and without them, living would be impossible. This feeling lasts between two weeks and up to two months usually before I start to release their flaws and begin making mental notes of all the small things that are bothering me about this person. This can be as simple as not liking the way they chew their food or as complex as completely disagreeing with their opinions. I find the hardest part of this is that those with BPD often see their opinions, beliefs and ideals as the only right ones. Sort of like a ‘it’s my way or the highway’ situation. This is especially challenging for relationships and I often find myself becoming extremely irate with my partner if they do not hold the same opinion as I do. Eventually all of these small things become major problems and before I know it, I have broken up with my partner only for the cycle to begin again within a weeks’ time.
I am lucky that my partner has knowledge of my BPD and can recognise when all of these things are happening and allow for me to have that space. Having this space and time apart allows me to calm down, recognise what has happened and eventually be able to apologise and communicate with my partner. Sometimes this process becomes a repetitive cycle and once back together again, I can find myself once again idealising my partner and allowing the cycle to continue to the devaluation stage.
I have found that the best way to cope with this symptom of BPD, is to communicate absolutely everything to my partner, to let them know what is going on in my mind, to make them aware of emotional changes and take positive steps to either distract from the situation or to completely change the situation. For example; I will ask my partner to leave before a conversation about our opinions turns in to an argument or they will recognise that I am getting increasingly frustrated and politely tell me that they are going to leave and give me space until I am ready to talk.
To add even more fuel to the flame, many people with BPD suffer with the uncontrollable fear of abandonment and often abandon their partner before they themselves can be abandoned. Even though in most circumstances, abandonment simply was never on the cards for their partner. Often this fear is due to self-image issues, the fear of rejection and confusion in identity.
One thing that took me a long time to recognise was the ongoing battle I have with self-awareness and the desire to be accepted and acknowledged or even to gain sympathy from others. The earliest recognition I have of this was when I was studying fashion and I had a review with my tutors and they brought up that they had often noticed that my personality would change depending on my outfit choice for the day! For example, if I was in a summer dress, I would act ‘lady-like’ and heavily focus on things such as floral patterns and dresses in my studies, but if I came in to the class wearing a ‘Metallica’ t-shirt and leather trousers, I would act rebellious and as though I couldn’t care less about the topic of the study.
The hardest part of this aspect for me is the feeling of guilt afterwards. I do not realise that I am acting in a way that is untrue to who I am and later feel an extreme amount of guilt and lack of self-worth for lying, or dramatizing a situation. I begin to doubt all of my choices and emotions and wonder if any of what I am feeling is in fact true at all which ultimately leads to a lack of identity.
This aspect of BPD can cause confusion for the person with BPD and of course for those around them. Having this symptom can be a very difficult one to accept and often those with BPD feel lost and insecure on a regular basis. It is important to understand what it is in life that they are truly passionate about, things that do not change from day to day or month to month which will allow them to recognise when they are acting out of truth or falsehood. For example, I have always had an intense passion for animals, no matter what mood or state I am in, I know that I continue to have this passion. It is one that I have had all of my life. This also goes for my music taste, I know that no matter the mood or situation, I am always happy to listen to heavy rock music. It is what is true to me and what makes me feel most like me. I find it useful to have a list of all the things I have continuously loved and have been passionate about so that I can check in with myself when I feel I am being untrue to myself. I also want to reinstate that just like the ever-changing ideas and impulsivity, it is not uncommon or wrong to have fleeting ideas and thoughts about your identity and it can also make a person with BPD that more interesting and exciting to be around; it’s just about creating that awareness and learning to scale back when self-identity becomes a lie that could cause damage or hurt.
It is common for sufferers of BPD to be easily influenced which can be detrimental to their personalities and can often do what I refer to as ‘BPD shape shifting’. This for many is a way of impressing or attaching to others or even as a way to bond with someone. It can often cause interpersonal relationships to become jagged and difficult to keep up with, having that list of things that are completely true to themselves can make such a difference to these relationships and to those suffering so that they can recognise when they are being influenced and if what they are being influenced by is actually something they want or something they think someone else would want for them. It is so hard to be yourself when you have BPD but it is important to remember that you aren’t without personality, you just have to dig deep to find it sometimes.
There are so many other traits and symptoms that come with BPD and I think it is so important to recognise which of those symptoms you may be suffering with so that positive steps and changes can be made in order to improve quality of life.
Keeping notes/ journaling my symptoms, mood patterns, and things that are true to me has been a tremendous help as well as having good communication with my partner, friends and family and finally, having the courage to ask for help when I need it and not being afraid to open up and express myself during therapy sessions.
Having BPD is hard work, but it certainly doesn’t have to take control over your life and the amazing things you will do in the future.