Anger is a natural human emotion that in healthy doses, activates, empowers, and makes us ready for action. However, when the fire of anger starts to burn us from inside out, that is a sign that something within ourselves needs immediate attention.
What do we do with anger?
We don’t live in a culture that promotes the healthy expression of anger. Many of us were raised by caregivers who didn’t taught us how to properly identify and integrate our feelings. In a society that makes it the enemy, most of us don’t know how to deal with anger.
Like all emotions, anger has a purpose. Even though anger is uncomfortable and demanding, befriending it could give us important insight into what’s going on within us. For those of us who were abused by family members or spouses, those of us bullied at school or treated poorly at work, anger represents an empowering state. It signifies movement, a dislodge of powerlessness. And with professional help, we can learn to use anger as a growth agent. Anger it is not inherently bad. However, if we are angry all the time, and if anger threatens our way of life, that indicates that we are in a lot of emotional pain. No matter at what level we are on the anger barometer, what we do with anger can help us heal or hurt us further.
The four types of anger
We commonly express anger in four ways. Out of these four ways, three are unhealthy and only one is constructive.
- Aggressive: we shout, throw things, attempt to intimidate or control the other. We can become psychologically violent and emotionally abusive.
- Passive-aggressive: we mope, we blame others instead of taking responsibility for our actions and feelings. We shut-down and refuse to address the issue that bothers us.
- Suppressive: we don’t accept what we are feeling, we deny our anger, and fill with resentment.
- Assertive: we are connected with our feelings and own them. We are able to tell others what’s going on with us, in a way that doesn’t harm them. We don’t inflict guilt, nor manipulate. We respect that the other might think or feel differently than us.
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle
Another side to anger
Most of us fear anger because we have a hard time seeing and feeling the root of it. If we are ready to explore and take charge of our emotional well-being, counseling, hypnotherapy, and EMDR therapy, can help us see, make peace with or change what distresses us.
A 2002 research showed that 40% of the participants had benefited on the long-term after anger outbursts. 25% of the respondees experienced negative outcomes. Another study from 1997 showed similar results: 55% of the participants reported that feeling angry was helpful.
In a society that demonizes anger, and this is especially true for women, integrating this emotion brings major benefits. Learning to work with and through anger connects us with our core needs, shows us the wounds that are still unhealed, teaches us precious lessons about our triggers and boundaries, and, maybe most importantly, makes us more whole.
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Another great article covering this topic is found here.